Tyro's Critical Reviews and Opinions

Aww Tyro, not very nice lol

Nah I never got it. The curse of having slow internet.

Then who the hell is the American Harry Potter fan that Facebook made me friends with? Hmmm....

No idea... But I'm Australian... Y'know... "Mate"

Yes, I know. "Shrimp on the barbie! Bonza! Whoa! That Dingo ate my baby! Bollawollabingbong! Ya Stupid Pom! Fosters! G'Day Mates! Now this is a knife."

Still doesn't give me any clues. I can't think of who in my Facebook friends list is from America...

I could be one of those people that like to just add as many people as possible...

Right, Duelling in Pottermore is still not working so I can get a chance to get back to the day job. Right, where was I?

Joey,,,dee-dee-dee-dee-dee...Blah, blah, hopeless nerd struggling to fit it...dum-di-dum...Probably a real world parallel with an event at school involving an epic battle of custard...Hmmm? What's this, Notch? Hmm? Oh, wow. I, err...sorry Syl...Some interesting things are going down...

Minecraft V1.8 Part 1

You know, most critics who are paid have people send over almost finished versions of their media so that critics can look through it and get a good idea of what it's like before the real version comes out. Then the critic can get his review ready, nice and early. What the critic or one of these people who gets sent these lave state forms of a companies product is not meant to do is let it all get released to the general public before it's ready.

This has happened to the latest version of Minecraft. The pre-release has been let loose by mistake and Mojang - the guys that challenged Bethesda to a game of Quake over a copyright dispute - very kindly said "Ah sod it, lets just let them have the pre-release. Its a couple of days till the new one arrives."

On Henry - the name of my Windows7 running laptop (It asks for a name, I gave it one!) - the pre-release was like trying to roll glue down a hill. Only a couple of frames per second every three seconds. Not all that great....

Then the proper release was, well...released.

Now, I ought to make sure everyone knows what Minecraft is. Imagine a huge world made of very simple Lego blocks filled with monsters. You can gather blocks using tools and build new stuff. Hundreds of snarling monsters are running around where ever its dark to rip you to pieces and destroy what you build. There have been times in Minecraft that I have genuinely been freaked out more than playing Resident Evil 4. Mainly because I have nothing but a sword and a stick with some string on it that pings sharp sticks instead of a gun collection in a briefcase.

To add to the problems of players, Minecraft still is forcing people to figure things out on its own. Loads of things have been added without much explanation. One of the bigger mysteries so far has been something called an Ender Pearl. Dropped by the new Monster 'The Endermen', the Pearl appears to have no real use and people are trying desperately to figure out what it's meant to do. Originally, they were ment to drop Diamond's when killed. So...do Ender Pearls work like Diamonds and make tools? Do they do something in the Neather? Are they just pretty things and Notch is playing with us? Are they actually useless and the experimentation and debate is just entertainment? Or are the Ender Pearls the most powerful item we have found so far? Only time and frantic crating will tell. It'll be like TF2 on update day. Or a January Sale on bars of solid gold.

Anyhoo, I started up the updated version and well...Its largely the same so far. I turned up...under a tree. Yeah, usually, you turn up on a patch of Sand. Now, you pop-up wherever the hell Minecraft likes. It could even be on top of a tall tree.
"Greeaaaat. I've arrived like I've jumped out of a plane and now I must break my legs jumping to the ground to continue. It's downhill from here....Oh! Hello Mr Spider."

So I run away, punching trees, felling them with nothing but my fists like a lunatic. I then did my favourite little plan: building a wooden house in a tree. I made a basic wooden hut with large windows in all directions so I can look out for stuff and let in plenty of light. I've also made it possible to climb onto the roof and added an over hanging lip so that spiders cannot climb up. Yes, Minecraft can make you sound like your on Changing Rooms when you try to talk about your little pad. I'll get worried when Notch added Wallpaper Swatches and Flat-pack furnishings.

But you can only do so much with wood, so off I went in search of some stone, coal and iron that I need for better tools and for torches. I dug directly down for a little while. In previous versions of the game, you could dig downwards into under ground caves or find caves that lead downwards through the earth. This was far, far easier than digging through all that bloody stone and soil for what you needed. Why make your own cave when nature has hollowed one out for you?

The Adventure Update has other ideas. Instead, you can break into pre-existing mines. Judging by the fact that no-one is around and there are cobwebs everywhere, this place has seen very little activity for a long bloody time. There are still resources here and the occasional torch that was there already but otherwise, this place has been abandoned fr some time. And the monsters have moved in instead. Me? I ran off because I would need a shed-load of torches before I explored that place. Mainly, it would be because these underground places are massive. I saw on a video of other people playing the pre-release, that they genuinely got lost in these abandoned mines and had to dig their way out after a while I could be down there for a while. I'll need a map or a compass before I attempt it, really...

But what a great way of adding to the already a bit spooky and lonely world of Minecraft. Suggesting that there were other people here. Look, here is the mine they had. They just didn't make it...It adds a but of character to the place.

There are more bits of the new version of Minecraft but I'll need to look at them myself before writing about it. When I find 'em, I'll tell you lot.

So the next thing I'll do is explore that Mine for a bit. I can imagine how that'll go...

"Well, it's been a good haul but I cannot go further for you see, I have no more torches. I'll have to turn around and go back. Wherever that is..."

"Oh. Hello Mr Spider...And Mr Enderman..."

You really don't have to apologize. You don't have to review everything I do. :U

That said . . . Damn, I want Minecraft. I've built a few things in the demo/classic level, but that gets old after awhile.

I'd kinda act fast when you've got £14 hanging around spare. Once Notch releases it properly, it's going to double in price, it seems.

Hang on...err...Googling...£13.95 from Micky Mouse Dollars, to Yen, to Animal Crossing Bells, to 1-up Mushrooms, to Munny, to Stale Doughnuts to American Dollars is...

Make that $21.87. It's not hugely taxing on any half decent PC and'll run on almost everything because it's made with Java. Yes, Minecraft is coffee flavoured like your Android phone tastes of cake and ice-cream. Ha-ha...Computing jokes...

While it's currently incomplete and incompatible with 1.8.1, there is a mod that adds catchable Pokemon that will have real battles with Team Rocket members wondering around as well as locals and random wild Pokemon. It's quite fun, running around with body guards you can summon at almost any moment.

I am having so many troubles with minecraft at the moment!
I'm getting that dam black screen glitch. If Notch doesn't fix it soon I'm going to go ape! I'm trying to build a huge pyramid at the moment and it's taking long enough as it is!

I just should of left it as 1.6 or whatever I was playing on before 1.8 come out.... I had to re-download it just to even get the update because Notch had finally given the cool start up screen to macs.

Don't take what I'm saying to heart Syl. The only reason I'm annoyed is because it is such a good game, and it's driving me crazy not being able to play it.

Tyro, I swear I've tried every glitch fix known to man! Like I'm pretty good with computers (I have no idea how but I manage to do things without being able to explain how I knew to do it lol.) "You wonder where the idea for me come from?" Shutup Denity!
Anyway, I've tried all of my normal glitch fixes and half a million from youtube. I even (Against my better judgement.) downloaded a program which was ment to fix it.... It didn't even work...
Arg so frustrated!

So now I'm coming back to this. Its a little job I've set myself and I've still not quite gotten there. But I should have finished for now my little task of getting through and reviewing Syl's disjointed works. I too am a writer that hasn't really gotten round to ever finishing their own magnum opus; just look towards Tyro's origin story for proof. Roleplay tends to sap the energies I would otherwise spend on that. Either way, Syl has put fingers to keyboard a number of times to create these little tit-bits in her particular style.

*pops on reading glasses*

Zakuro and Joey sitting in a tree.

I enjoyed this little bit of Joey's life as both a piece of drama and comedy. The goofy disorientation brought on by the shock is funny. His hand waving around for the door handle for example and the denouement of realising that he'll have to go back to see here with a concussive "fudge!". It may be a little cheesy and maybe a little cleche but the idea of a spontaneous kiss with no warning from the most unlikely person in the world that might just cause plenty of problems, give Joey another 'fine mess' to get out of or at least make something of. It's rather obvious that both Joey and Zakura are finding this as awkward as possible. This could have been a whole short book on it's own, I guess...

I should say something about narrative rather then how much I like the concept. Err...

Pacing is fine. This sort of thing should be like a hunter. Wait for it, wait for it, wait for it, they've been characterised enough! We have enough context! GO, GO, GO! Zakura appears can only be shown as shy but she is thinking about maybe doing something with Joey, thus raging an internal battle as to what she should do, keeping her rather quiet. At least, that's was a character that's leaving sentence fragments hanging tells me. Joey appears to be more dopey and slow than ever. Perfect male characterisation, or is that just me?

The Bad Fight Scene

I noticed in the last one that I'd already given a few lines on it. So I thought 'Hey, maybe I could maybe use what I've already put down?". For this one, all I said was "Nice". Come on past Me! Buck up!

If anything, it's like a transition period. A moment where they will either hate each other or bury the problem. You lead into the moment well. The fight scene seems fine, I couldn't think of a better way of getting the message across that one character has punched another character plus information on how. Perfectly fine, fight scenes in a written format have to be rather cut down to make sure the action doesn't move too slowly. The reason for Joey's grump is clearly defined and not over the top. Is it his ex-girlfriend or is it his siblings? You can obviously tell it's probably one after the other.

The brief moment in the cell was a tender moment and a good why of getting closure over the whole story. All you could do possibly is build from it, nothing left to really resolve that's of great concern. There's a nice bit of emotion and you get to see Chris' soft side. Good stuff.

Because You Could Write About Joey and Zakuro Forever and Ever

Bang! Your favourite Uncle is dead. Nice way of sucking us in. We know nothing about him except Zakuro is really rather fond of him. We have no idea about his appearance, tastes, habits or personality. He is a weight around Zakura's neck. Good, good. "Dead as a doornail." Taking the same approach as Dickens took in 'A Christmas Carol' but applied it to characters with a warm relationship.

You can also imagine the following scenes in a sort of movie as they switch to the next relevant character so that we can get to know him too and understand his part in this while the orchestra play underneath the sound of peddling.

Then we get what Syl seems to do best. Fish swim, Birds fly, I take ages to produce even one drawing, Ponies shall take over the Earth with worrying ease and Syl centres her narratives around moments of great emotion. The tender, "why-aren't-they-together" type of hug where Joey is the only shoulder for Zakuro to cry on near-by with the quiet reminiscing about Uncle Zak. There also seems like a dam in the critical moments of bursting going on with Zakuro. Numbness followed by an explanation of how he died followed by the great barrier letting the whole load of emotion explode forth, ripping Zakuro apart emotionally.

I do like the curveball Zakuro throws to Joey. It's a silly but powerfully convincing thought that's both obvious and from no-where. You can tell were it's come but you don't expect to have to deal with such a question. It's a point where a part of childhood will always bare the weight of loss, forever. The last sentence seems to have emphasis on the word 'he' there, showing a deep anger for the selfish act of Uncle Zak.


And for the record, my artwork is faster than the guy who does VG Cats at least.

And Now for Something More Light-Hearted: A Zombie Appocolypse!

Did you know that Left4Dead's feel and themes were inspired by the outbreak of influenza in Spain? The whole idea of Left4Dead was pretty much four unlucky guys in a quarantine zone trying to break free. Rather obvious if you think about it. The emphasis is more on survival and action rather than the emotion of being in a desperate situation. The four characters get to know each other and work like soldiers.

Syl has written her own zombie flick instead. This isn't because of a mistake on her part, but rather because she's rather open about the fact she has never actually played Left4Dead. I'm half-tempted to say "There is an Xbox 360 version and it is a right good bit of fun, it is! Go forth and find!" but it's not really relevant to anything else I'm saying.

What we get instead is more of a 'last man on the Earth' feel as he simply decides nothing is worth this any more. Simple but effective piece.

My only concern I can think of is the suggestion that zombies can hear a stone moving. A gun shot or a car alarm has been proven to be the better give-away of a free meal. It's for the best that a hoard is threatened rather than fulfilled, in my opinion.

Left With Joey

More Joey in Zombieland. More experimentation with the character to create as neurotic a mess as can be reasonably made with Joey by adding an Anxiety Disorder. Has it worked?

Err....Yes, I think so. Joey is a character that seems to spend a lot of time brooding over matters for longer than he perhaps should do. He appears to have hangups and anxieties about personal matters in other writings. This appears to be that made into his personal Kryptonite. He now has the inability to function a hundred percent well enough in a situation that needs him to be able to think quickly and clearly. He has a problem about himself to overcome through the trial by fire survival tends to be. That's interesting. He has something that can cripple him and make him a target. Good for horror.

Again, good, emotive piece.

The Amazing Joey (ft. Veronica)

Into page two of four.

I think it's just a rather nice "Awww..." from me. It's a nice idea in a story that doesn't take up much time. The idea of a tiny, extra petal adds extra attention to the desire of Ronnie.

And I'm going to leave Joey-fest there for today but expect and update real soon.....ish.

Everything about Joey

forever

and ever

I try to write about other characters but they just aren't as interesting. feh

What's great about looking back on a lot of these stories is that they stop making sense after awhile. Like the one where Joey and Chris fight--I wrote that so spur-of-the-moment that I didn't think about the fact that Joey really doesn't have that volatile a temper. His ex is a touchy subject, but he would never jump anyone about the fact. My friend and I just decided that it would be really cool if we had a story about that and so I wrote it and now it's sort of dumb.

oh well

And since then, I actually have played L4D, but Friend and I dropped the roleplay concept so I haven't done anything with the experience. Oh weeelll

What do you mean by rag on me lol?

It's quite simple, my dear Thepsy: you are next.

I'm not sure if I should be excited or scared.

O.O

Basically, your should be both Thepsy, me ol' mucka!

Anyhoo, back to work.

A Few Black-Hole Sites

The thing about a site is that it's content really does have to sucker you in. If it doesn't, then it's existence is meaningless. It's function is to be read. Ignoring it is like telling Freddy Kruger to just get over it, letting bygones be bygones.

Some sites have content that may suck you in so well, it maybe impossible for you to leave....I've seen a few of these. It's a wonder I was able to drag myself away from:

PointlessSites.com

I do like dipping into the usually irrelevant world of Pointless Sites.com because of how detached from reality some of the creators of the sites on the other side of the hundreds of links to sort through seem. Like minipen.com. All there is is the word pen in very small writing. Yes. Thank you for enriching my life with a hyperlink that'll take me back to where I just started...

For some reason, this was labelled as new but I can remember wasting lunchtimes in school with the Four Horses at http://svt.se/hogafflahage/hogafflaHage_site/Kor/hestekor.swf. Yes...not as catchy as the others on the site...

If you don't mind looking for a real treasure in amongst the weirdest sites people could create (like a site that calculates where you would end up if you dug a hole through the Earth somewhere), then this site is for you.

TVTropes.org

While I'm not sure why they have a .org in their URL, TV Tropes is an upbeat celebration of fiction. It's also pure evil. How it keeps you reading is two-fold: well-written and entertaining articles with intriguing titles that don't make much sense till you actually click on them.

Could you tell that these titles related to fan-fiction set-ups?
- Lime
- Lemon
- Drabble

No? Me neither. You see! The large number of possible directions for this site mean you could be looking for half an age and only know half as much as these guys know about writing fiction.

But! If you would like to try and learn a little more about a certain Trope for your next master peice, then you could do worse than TV Tropes. It's just resisting clicking on basically everything that you don't know. Basic human instinct it what keeps you there....

XKCD

It's a webcomic with stickmen about love, philosophy, programming, math and whatever else the guy who writes it happens to think about. The simplistic art style means that those comics probably take a few seconds...

Yet, why can I not tear myself away from them....Constantly clicking random, tittering at a joke at Java's expense then clicking again only to find that two hours has passed in what felt like ten minutes.

But hey! It's been going on for bloody ages and has never seemed to ever loose it's touch. It's something web-comics around the web strive for.

Oh my God, I just had to comment about that comic strip of Tyro going through Syl's stuff. I laughed XD. That was great. I always get chuckles out of your work Syl. You really are a good artist/comedian. ^.^ I needed a good smile at the moment. Okay Imma go now XD

Yes...I'm glad you liked the picture of Tyro and Syl although, I'm confused about what your saying exactly...

Oh I was just saying that I liked Syl's artwork. I always have lol. Oh, wait a sec. That picture... did you make it? I am so sorry! I thought Syl did it because you were editing her work! My bad! Well I still liked the picture lol. I am sorry sweetie.

I thought as much....Nah. No harm done. You just confused me a little although a great appreciation of Syl's artwork is perfectly understandable. I did that in under ten minutes. It's supposed to be rather rushed and simple.

Oh wow really? I couldn't do that in 10 minutes XD. I'd kill it. I can't draw that well lol. I still like it ^^ Good job.

Ah...I've broken my computer....er....Ah...er...I know! I'll use this to my advantage. Yes! Know one must understand how much of a clutz I am. And not even my habit of typing what I'm thinking will slip me up. Ha-haa! Now, maybe I can get another look at my girl's chest before she realises her tops slipped...

Ah bollocks!

Ubuntu 11.10

There. The rather lame joke of mine is over but it is true that my computer was broken. Not necessarily by me. I was installing something called Connectivity - a 'Virtual' Router program - and I got a blue screen of death. I now can't boot up my Windows partition without getting yet another one. So, until I can get back to my own home rather than my Girlfriend's place, I'm ratter stuck with Ubuntu's latest version of their OS. Not a terrible thing....

You see, I rather like Ubuntu. It's an OS that feels like it's still in Beta but I really rather like that for some reason. It's like I watching it grow. It's recent updates have made it really rather pretty.
"Great!" I thought, "I'll have a slightly orange prettiness to massage my eyeballs! Yaaay!" What I didn't realise is that this version is still being sorted out and optimised, so all that graphical wondrousness is still a bit slow and clunky. What I ended up doing was reigning in everything then adding all the stuff I actually need/would like then left it. I did that after trying to install something called Gnome 3. When I tried the full fat graphical magic version, it didn't work properly. Bits were missing so I downgraded to a slightly more boring version. Didn't like that so I used a 2D version of the desktop that Ubuntu ships with: Unity.

The main difference is how everything works. Gnome sets everything out in menus like Windows does. Unity has what it calls the Launcher. Its just a handy place for short-cuts on the desktop. It's been nicked from Windows 7 with their new task bar which is a modified version of the program dock from the Mac OS. It also gets rid of the Start menu styled thing in favour of this odd, searching thing. You can search for the program or navigate a few menus if you can't think of what you want. It's annoying in my opinion but I'm not sure how to get a hybrid...

Ubuntu tries to help with it's usual problem for novice users. Yes, it's free but plenty of programs need you to sort out a large about extra bits to make sure it all works. The Terminal becomes your best friend and irritating enemy. Installing something like Spiral Knights or even Minecraft became a pain in the arse as you tell your computer to install certain little bits that Windows would happily do for you. But they've added the Software Centre. It's a nice little program that will download and install this stuff for Ubuntu for you. Good! Linux doesn't have as much software as say Mac or Windows so a place where this stuff is in an easy to find place, that will install it all for you and be guaranteed to work on your machine. It's a fantastic idea on Ubuntu's part to help their OS's users to operate the OS without too much problem.

On the plus side, you can still play plenty of that games I usually play: like 'Minecraft' and 'Spiral Knights'. You can because their both written in Java. Java is a programming language that basically runs on sodding well everything. I'm sure you could run Java on your microwave if you were that bored but Java is mainly been made to be run on as many platforms as possible. Both of those are made with Java so yay! I can also play TRAUMA if I need to because that's made with Flash. Everything else has been made especially so no TF2. Ah well....

Anyhoo, until I can get everything sorted with Windows, I'm having fun with the big, ol' penguin. I think I'll keep him around this time and duel boot.

Also, remember that it's free. Yep....at some point, I'll report on something I've actually paid for. Maybe....

So, my Computer's all better so I think I'll get back to Syl's stuff tomorrow. For now...


I did manage to figure out how you pronounce that before realising that Brandy would do fine. Something like "Puh-Juh-Kee-o Oh-Three". It does make me wonder where such a name came from. To my knowledge, our user base isn't so huge that we're forced to gibberish for your user names, right? Although, maybe it's more of a recognition thing. Like with Thepsy who hasn't bothered to add Spaces because everyone recognises Thepsycoman as a name. That know's him anyway.

Well, that's enough waffling about nothing. Onto the poetry.

Acceptance

A little poem that's good to read. It has a Gothic mentality in the alluded isolation, prominent use of black, blood and white along with a melancholic tone. I can tell that the poem was probably a spur of the moment thing as little attention has been paid to rhyme scheme, sentence length or any regular rhythm. As a result, we get Blank Verse instead that suits a human voice. So maybe this is a story of some kind, eh?

The poem has no certainties, leaving the reader to make it up based on nothing more than their own angle on what's going on. Mine centre around a guy that's been beaten up. The blood is coming from oozing wounds that haven't closed yet. The metaphor concerning the feather suggests a frail softness that is sullied by being dropped into blood. This guy is lying here, maybe due to reputation or maybe the staining of innocence.

I must say, I'm not overly sure what's meant by "black as the night without stars". I could take this in two ways. A literal description would give a racist slant on this perhaps. It could also represent a mental state: this could be a sort of dark anger that doesn't burn but lingers, clouding the mind. But they doesn't make as much sense as the guy is just giving up. There is no resolve left or a single drop of hope in this guy. This is his lowest point. It's punctuated again and again as this guy's "insignificant in the darkness" of his emotions at this point. There is an "eternal bleeding": an endless pain. Possibly alluding to depression.

This is good that I will try and pick it all apart for al meaning I can. It's nicely written and Gothic in imagery.

Then the moon turns up and hugs him. I understand that could be a loved one or a friend arriving to comfort this guy but the change in tone is a little jarring. The yank from the dark imagery bathed in moonlight and blood is yanked into an celestial hug. The first stanza is great but the second seems a contrived way of ending everything. I would start stanza two from scratch or get rid of it entirely, if I were you. Savvy seems to agree. Or I agree with Savvy. Doesn't matter too much.

The Next One Doesn't Have a Title[/i]

A simple, every-other-line rhyme style that works well. Appears to be about the contentment with one's self and a feeling of joy at this despite surrounding people attempting to ruin this. I like it.

What I will say is that the second stanza on this one is fine. I can see where Savvy's come from but I think it's a way of signifying an escape from that which seeks to ground the person in the poem emotionally. The suggestion of looking down upon everything is a classic way of showing a sort of superiority over something and so the poem's speaker is above those below. A superiority would then further the idea of flying higher in the overall metaphor the poem explores. This means this new area in the sky is reserved for people like her that have gained such elation. Also, to get to the idea of bliss as a result of this escape that the poem ends with, some sort of transition is necessary where nothing but the beauty of the world the speaker embraces can reach her. It's a sort of logic thing I guess as well as sounding pretty.

Birds of a Feather

I agree with Savvy. 'Fickle' suggests that this long-standing friend of the speaker's life is likely to run off forever at any moment, contradicting the logic of the poem.

Otherwise, a really sweet, ABAB, four-line verse. I like it a lot. Keep it up.

Well...that's it for your poems. I hope I was helpful in making the small tweaks to make them better.

Welcome back to Joey-fest 2011. You've missed a heck of a lot of stuff such as zombies, shouting, punching and a giant talking fox carrying a huge pile of paper. Let's join the action where we left off...


Here we are. So, I'll try and get through to the final non-Joey story at the end. Not because this is getting annoying or because I'm sick of Joey. He's a good character and appears to be Syl's preferred protagonist. She appears to enjoy showing new angles of him and I can totally relate. My character of Tyro is my usual first choice because I too keep coming up with new possibilities to show off these characters. I can imagine we all have that sort of character here.

I would like to get Syl's stuff done. She appears to have the most stuff to review and I've been doing this for a long old while. I'll get up to speed then I can concentrate on everyone else...


So, shall we?

Lies and Zombies

So yes. This one was supposed to be about another character. Meh. It's in a zombie apocalypse this time, lets see someone get munched this time, yeah?

No? That's good too. Wait...Haven't I read this one? Yes. This has been done before, I think...err...Actually no. Basically, it's a slightly different angle on this. Now, my 'Left With Joey' comments apply here to. It's a more extreme version of the "anxieties = kyptonite" premise except it's presented as more of a disability rather than just a character trait. I'm not sure how much better that is as it's probably better to make an arc out of a character trait than the total inability to lead under pressure.

But if you try and do another one of these L4D stories, please put in zombies mauling something. I understand we're dealing with a tiny snapshot of a bigger story you would happily make if you had both the patience and the time to put together a full story around this, I'm sure but it's good practice to show the reader the danger everyone fears or at least it's effects. Show us a few zombie McDonald's workers feasting on the fresh corpse of a Burger King Employee. Have characters step over and around the dead bits and piles of bones. It reminds us that this place is a horrid, hell-like place where your nothing more than a walking ready-meal. It helps with understanding why these guys are having to be strong. We can understand a need to make things light-hearted to stop going nuts.

Otherwise, good emotion.

Back To Dorky Mode

Ah, I disagree. I rather like Taiju. He could have some interesting adventures if you let him. With your permission, I might see what I could do with him, actually...I got some ideas...Also, we have almost no idea what Devon is like. I only know she's a calm, calculating assassin that seems to show little emotion. I only know that from the one-on-one RP we still have going, I think. I also remember it being your go, Syl.

But I digress, let's look at Joey's next story.

Errm...Dorkiness is supposed to come through here. A lovable incompetence that both hinders Joey in what he wants to achieve but he still manages to succeed through being endearing because of his actions. Joey does this but he does this through what can only be described as a tantrum. It looks immature and pathetic to be scowling at a chip in the wall's paint and I was trying to think whether this matches up with the character we know about so far...

My conclusion is sort of. We know that Joey takes awareness of personal weakness pretty hard. We know this from his adventures in the L4D universe as he sits and dwells on his failure to be a brave leader in the face of adversity. The survivors seem to be OK despite this last attack, allowing Joey to sit and think about his abilities as a leader. This leads him to question his abilities. We have a low point in a potential arc.

My concern with this is whether Joey would take a sweeping comment like Michelle's that far. Would it eat at him that much when being a coward when he was being turned to for leadership caused a moment of regretful reflection that might spur him to redeem himself later.

Does this work? Perhaps. While I do think Joey seemed to be having a fevered tantrum, it's perfectly possible to me that he would let a knock to his ego eat at him in such a way. He's a guy and we kinda like to feel like we're doing everything right, you know? To Joey, Michelle was telling him he was being uptight and boring. I can see that play on Joey's mind and force him to change his ways. Still not sure it would have been that aggressive though but, hey! I'm a casual observer here, aren't I?

Let's Break Some Ribs

Ouch!! Right, so the intire idea to this one from Syl's notes is Joey's reaction to getting his ribs broken in a bike accident. You know, what? I think this is written pretty well. There are a couple of points of grammatical confusion like "metal crushing and screeching against metal". Repeating metal twice labours the point that whatever's collided was made of metal. Not needed. You might as well change one to "alloy" or remove one of them from this sentence to keep the pace of the scene up. Otherwise, I enjoyed this. We have a clear idea of what we're supposed to know from this first part and you are right to make sure we have no idea what happened in the accident, in my opinion. On a motorcycle, the crumple zone is your face. Any collision on one of those things is going to be just like in Grand Theft Auto: like a ragdoll fired from a catapult. Hard to keep track of stuff while your grinding your nose off with tarmac.

The next part is short but rather necessary. To just have Michelle pop up next to Joey's bed would be easy but Syl takes a brief moment to look at Michelle a little more. We now know a little about her opinions about Joey: that she knows his heads not always in the here and now. Its a quality she seems to find cute. We also get to the idea that Michelle cares deeply for Joey just by rushing out the door ASAP. This is quite a broad stroke, I thought, but it works. It's drama. It does create a little bit of tension that this woman now probably fears the worst.

The next part is just simply showing the reader what's happened to Joey and looking at each characters reactions. I couldn't help but wonder whether this could have been cut a little shorter. While I appreciate that the anxiety filled 'wait in the corridor" scene is part of the tension, I wondered whether a quick dialogue bit to explain that know one's heard anything about anything to do about Joey except that he's in a bad way might have worked a little better. This part seems dragged out as Zakuro must explain to Michelle that she has no idea what's happening before Chris arrives to be informed that Michelle and Zakuro have no idea what's going on either. "Brevity is the Soul of Wit". Keep it simple.

Arriving in Joey's room worked fine. Just empty, awkward silence and quick things to say from the other characters. Good work, I'm not sure how else to go about that without making it seem silly.

The brevity thing is rather well done in the next part though. While also showing us something about Michelle as well as cementing how much she cares for Joey throughout, namely her interest in marshal arts, we get a plot point too. Even a little irony I suppose, we see her showing physical strength while wrestling with emotional weakness. It's good stuff from my point of view.

This final part reveals that, really, this is a story about Michelle. Joey's just the unfortunate victim, it's her plight and anguish that is actually on display here. Syl focuses on her almost exclusively. We see her joy at seeing Joey up and talking again. We see her wince at every reminder of Joey's state and we see her stamp her foot when she might get shut out. Syl makes sure we know that Michelle loves Joey. It's all the way through and becomes a central part of her character. We can also start to take pot shots at why too. Probably something along the lines of 'she finds him good company and is never dull. He's able to make her laugh too'. Although, that's such a guess...

So...on to page three.

Chris

This is a good, character driven sequence that works perfectly well. No need to explain what happened before, this is just about the characters talking. OK, so I do feel that rehabilitation of a character and trying to hold onto some form of independence futilely is a bit of a cliché but it's all well done. Joey is definitely in the know and is clearly trying to make sure Christ knows how much of an idiot he's being. Christ is easily struggling with his ego's bruising in how he has to compromise. He seems to be trying hard to hold on to some semblance of...manliness I suppose...

Bottom line: Good dialogue, me thinks. Concept has been used a lot before but it's done perfectly well.

Joey's Monologue

We're still with this story around the loss of Chris's leg. Joey is explaining his part of this story with his own words. The plight of a doctor: the real world superhero. Not everyone can be saved just like that. It's good drama. There is a tragedy element. This is his lowest point here. He's in a bad way.

So, why doesn't Joey draw a connection to his time in a coma, and that he now has the same position as Chris did at that time. Now, Joey is an intern, it carries over from the last story. Why didn't more of the continuity carry over?

Ah! It's a minor point really. It's still a good monologue. It feels realistic. A little restrained like he's talking about these events years into the future but still interesting to read.

I'M NOT SURE WHY YOU DON'T SEEM TO LIKE WRITING ABOUT ANYONE ELSE BUT THESE TWO BUT HEY! THEY AIN'T BORING!

Its a sweet scene. It's well done and feels like it's part of a bigger story. Or at least should be. Or maybe could be. It's hard to think of anything to build on or change but it's just some solid writing. Good work. Good stuff it's hard to criticise without going "Yes, this is good". Over an over.

Right...Page 4. Things are starting to shake things up a bit.

Devon: The Reckoning of Chubby Phil

Ah! A new character. Right, good. I can write a lot about this. Devon's like Syl's assassin character. This could be interesting.

Right. Devon appears to be a sort of female James Bond. And that conjures up the image of Lara Croft from the Tomb Raider Movies. Yes, there was a second one. It's better but don't bother hunting it down. It's still a woman more capable than she should be running through a world where there are no stakes in the action. She is more capable than most deities.

Anyway, back to Devon. It's rather immediate that she is the bad-ass role. She's a strong, dominant figure that don't take no flak from no body. She's dangerous and makes sure everyone knows it. No reasoning why, she's just aggressive if you step out of line with her.

As for the prose, let's look at her retort to being told she's "like a magnet." OK. Good. Saying "Then consider us to be of the same polarity and screw off." is horribly clunky. One, it suggests a cold, almost-robotic method to Devon's speech that's not evident in any other speech she gives. Secondly, 'Screw off' borders on non-nonsensical. I know you mean F*** off but anything else would have been better. "Get lost", "Sod off", "Get Bent", "Set Yourself on Fire". It's a tiny and idiotic thing to pick on but it detracts from what the story seem to be trying to be, which would be a cool action thing. With a kick-ass assassin woman that's awesome. That line comes off as odd in my ears.

Lastly, the retort of being "the same polarity" hasn't the right speed and slickness of the perverts line. This is meant to be a witty put down but it needs about three seconds longer than it should to figure out. Maybe something like...well..no...err...Actually, I have no idea how to retort to that. The best solution would have been to have Devon just walk off in disgust.

OK. So the small and only gripe I could immediately spot. In my head, it plays out like an 80's cop movie. Where Detective Devon is looking for snacks for her partner Detective Joey, who's in the squad car outside when this pervert turns up and tries to cop-a-feel when she turns on him in revenge rather than self-defence. The clothing is old, the camera quality is dated and Devon is chewing gum or something 90% of the movie. Maybe Joey is killed the day before his Birthday too. It's suggested style informs that sort of tone or something like that. The writing isn't quite as good but it's not doing quite as much emotionally here. Like I said, it's more like a movie scene than another snippet of the book Syl hasn't written yet.

A Short Joey type thing

A quick point for everyone else: if you don't want me to keep making up awful titles for your works, put one in. Only you can avoid atrocities like the last one...

Huh. And we're back to a scene that contains a central emotion that Joey pinwheels around. This time we're looking at being left out and jealously in a way. It's mild and not obvious but it does seem to be there. It's a good, well thought out idea. It's interesting to read, mainly because of it's brevity, and so becomes interesting as a short skit from Joey. It won't take up enough time to bore you. It can't take up enough time. It's not long enough at all. it's just a well written skit on Joey's frustration. Of which, Syl has a limitless supply of.

Ronnie and the Picky Eater

Right. Great! Another new character. Ronnie is a totally new one to me. I've only ever seen his picture, as done by Syl, somewhere I think. And a second new character too. Ooo...

Vincent doesn't strike me as anachronistic as he's presented but he does seem to be a stoic, knowledgeable type of guy. He has an air of experience that he must have gained though the years. If you ever get this guy out a gain, limitations on his knowledge would make him a more appealing character and show a weakness that his friend Ronnie could help overcome. Roonie does not strike me as bumbling but immature instead. He expresses no interest in investigating with the excuse of being tired. Only children do that, surely. He also appears to be the side kick so if he ever comes back in anything, a dependence or reason to be with Vincent should be apparent in some way. At the moment, it just seems like he's Vincent's servant or something.

But I do like these characters. They don't get to do much but they seem to have a nice connection with each other. They poke fun at each other. That's a good thing to be doing.

The Mystery Hunter is witty and charming and very appealing. Good work because now we want to know more about him. I like how calm and civil the exchange is as though this was a business meeting. And in a way, it was. It's an interesting snapshot of this universe and I'd like to see more of it.

Werewolves: The Most Awesome Furries Ever

Yeesh...I write it. I giggle. Then I slap myself some times...

Right. This is the last one of these before I leave Syl alone to create more and it's interesting. It's more like she suddenly decided one day that she should start to make a video diary because, as a hunter, she might get killed at some point, having left no other mark. So, she starts her story at the beginning, imagining her audience was watching this, expecting a show of some kind. She cynically delivers. She's blunt about her lycanthropy and feels obligated to explain about the hunters and the monsters of this world. The interesting thing is that she feels pushed to talk about her family life as a way of explaining why she's a werewolf. It's calm and understanding but paints her parents as naive in her eyes at least. And of course, we know she's forces to talk about her description. It's this bit that makes me feel like this was intended for an RP of some kind as you explain this character in an interesting way for the GM. It could also be just that she's using a tape recorder than a camera though.

But Devon has a lot of cynicism, in her tone and her language. She feels like she ought to be telling you these things rather than she really wants to. She's interesting but I'm not sure if she'll be 'likeable' because of the distant qualities that make her interesting.

There. Syl. I'm done. Please, write more and I'll come back. But before I wrap up, I should make note of general things to work on.

1. Give us a quick description of location and characters. Nothing too in-depth is necessary. Just a little more about Joey's home or the Hospital room. Or either characters appearances in a scene would be good. A little colour to these elements would add more colour to the story your making.

2. Joey's a good character but try new things as often as you can. I know writing about Joey and his friends lets you flesh them out better but your other characters can be just as interesting and entertaining. Give them a chance.

3. Try to look over previous work and ask yourself whether every single bit is necessary. If it is, great. If not, see what you can do with it to make it shorter or remove it all together to keep the story going at a better pace.

All right. That's be it for now. On to the next one of you lot...

And, I'm not kidding, I would love it if someone looked at any of my stuff on here and reviewed it in this thread. I give permission. Honestly, I want to see what people think of my work thus far.

Egh . . . I'm actually going to ask that you hold off on any other criticism even when I get more stuff done. Don't get me wrong, I do really appreciate getting some actual feedback on stuff, but my delicate little ego can only take so much. :C That and I've actually been extremely self-conscious about things in the last while. This comes a little late, but a heads-up, I guess. [/whine]

I would like to point out that some of the characters (Chris, Michelle, Ronnie, Vincent) aren't even mine. :U I just borrow them from friends from time to time. As well as not everything I write has a continuity; Joey's accident actually isn't even canon, though I guess it's not your fault that you didn't know that.

As for other things: yeah my writing is terrible sometimes bleh. Sometimes lines sound perfectly fine when I write them, and then I go back later and it's all terrible but it's too late to fix it because everyone's seen it and then all I can do is weep for being a moron.

I've been writing on/off but most of it's personal stuff that only fits into stories that my friends and I develop mostly out of writing, so I'm not even going to put them up (even if I have before). I WANT to sit and write long stories where the universe is all set up and I can focus on central characters for awhile, but I just don't have the attention span. I would write whole books if I could ever sit and start to get all the random ideas in my head tied together, but since that's not going to happen, I will continue to write random crap.

[/whiiiiiine]

Now I think your just beating yourself up. All your writing is really good. It's coherent, intelligent and attempts to have an emotional core and succeeds. They make for good reading. Hick-ups in dialogue that you might have missed are what I'm here for. They happen and a second pair of eyes really helps to weed them out.

You've done well.

Also, I know how hard it is. I've been trying to write something more gigantic for years now and I never find the time or resolve.

Chin up. You've done a really good job.

Right...I might be a tad slow on the uptake but, bloody hell, I'm annoyed. Here we go, the most topical thing I'm ever going to write for a long while I'm sure. Help me make a little noise at least guys cause I'm gonna look at:


When 2012 rolled around, it was fun to sit around and giggle from the relative safety of 2011 at a superstition surrounding loadz of calenders people thousands of years ago made that just happened to stop at 2012 because they couldn't be bothered to make them longer any more. Oh how we'd jape that we'll all be consumed in fire as the Earth burned and soldered, killing everyone. Ah! Like that'll ever happen! Boris Johnson isn't considered trustworthy, went a joke I heard over here in Blighty, but even he couldn't destroy the world.

And then this happened...Yeah, 2012 looks like it's going to be anything but dull. Whoopie...

So, what's the problem? Well the video doesn't go into quite enough detail, I think but it's a good start. So, the Act is meant to cut out most of the middle man in copyright theft and piracy claims, giving power to the Entertainment industry. That power would be as a police force that had full, and legal rights to start bullying almost anything it likes out of existence. Why? Well, the excuse is a loss of jobs and revenue for all the companies in favour. In short, the companies cannot keep up with the Internet. They can't make as much money with films or TV' shows, supposedly because that content pops up on the internet outside of the jurisdiction of the US Government. They're letting these companies swat away piracy at the expense of damn near everyone else.

The How is quick to explain: It's all cutting out the middle man. At the moment, a company would have to file complaints before any action is taken. This removes that road-block of checking for both common sense in their accusations and genuine offence. Nope, wham-bam, see you in court.

Why should you care? Easy: No More Youtube for starters. For me, that's no more Ashens.com or Abridged Series or Let's Play of a horrible game I'd never want to play in my life. All those video's would be gone as the law does not effect the pirates on Youtube directly. No, the suing and abuse to combat Piracy the law allows would be directed at Youtube. They can only take so much before they too go the way of Napster.

Then, and this I find rather interesting, there is the foundation of the Internet itself. Now, we've built The World Wide Web to be as robust and quick as possible. Whenever one part of that gigantic network breaks down, usually a DNS server, The Internet is capable of then setting up new ways around the part that's dead. And DNS servers are like the signposts of the Internet that point the best ways to different sites. Now, if this bill is passed, that means that DNS servers will start to loose places that it is allowed to link you too. That also means that it's possible to block so many sites that the internet is unable to get to the server or computer it intends to find because these blocked DNS servers aren't allowed to let you through. This means that either you take the long way around or you don't get anywhere at all and this counts for businesses trying to make a living from e-commerce (business transactions over the internet) too. If DNS servers are paralysed like this, the internet can't function properly.

Although, the fun thing is that, well. If we don't like the censorship, it's perfectly possible to just start setting-up another World Wide Web. It's only a network: their not too hard to make.

This is more personal to me but, I'm not hugely trusting of the Entertainment Industry as a whole. Individual Companies? Sure, that might work but as a whole the greedier, moronic companies are more likely to begin demolishing anything that uses their IP's perfectly innocently for entertainment in because their fans rather than criminals.

All right, that's a couple of bits I've managed to gleam from this, now lets explore why their morons for trying to destroy the casual use of IP's on the internet: there goes a heck of a load of exposure for all this stuff. Yes, by removing Youtube, all those images circulating that site, vanish. And they tend to be better Advertising than any ad that pops up just before what you actually turned up to watch. I mean, I really want to see all the Back To The Future films. Why? because most of the people I watch have and keep making refferences to it. I want to know what their on about damn it and so I'm on the look out for them all on DVD...

I know this is more of a rant but this is at least a review of the situation from my point of view. My verdict is that this is the end of the world as we currently understand it. So what if I'm in England. What if this thing spreads? What if these sorts of powers are spread all over the world in similar ways? We'd see less in the way on innovation and a huge amount of jobs lost over this. The Internet genuinely aids the recruitment of more people than it helps to fire. This is just giving more power to rich companies and dragging development of technologies backwards by about 30 years. Fighting piracy is fine but don't hack the Internet apart to do it.