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 Kauto's story (By MajorThomas)

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MajorThomas
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PostSubject: Kauto's story (By MajorThomas)   Fri Dec 30, 2011 5:45 pm

This is an excerpt of Kauto's story, one of the short stories I'm working on and someday plan to put in a collection pack. Sorry for the relativly poor quality (Compared to actual authors) as I never did listen on English, still I've learned a great deal and am making progress all the time.
The universe could also be used for roleplay material if it's desired, send your thoughts in on a postcard. Very Happy

Kauto's story
By Thomas Walsh.

The station's commander gave a heavy sigh as he walked into the brig where an annoyingly smart alien had been handcuffed to a chair for the last half hour, a strange being named kauto he was probably the most dangerous thing on-board which would have spelled disastrous if he could figure that out for himself.

The red skinned alien was mostly lizard-like however his head had proper ears and the teeth of a herbivore which was perfect for him since he loved the herbs and fruit which grew abundant on his home planet and despite the rancid smell they carried most were surprisingly sweet.

As the human approached Kauto stopped fiddling with the handcuffs been playing with, they used a kind of energy field to keep the victim restrained, it was also impossible for the technologically savvy lizard to break it or get out of it as well.

The commander wasn't pleased with the alien's latest prank in which he'd disabled the gravity of the space station they were on, leaving many people confused for about a half hour and even though no one had been hurt Kauto found himself beaten and thrown in the brig by angry guards.

Coughing the commander attracted Kauto's attention, “Kauto... kauto.... Kauto of the tree clan. You've caused a lot of trouble lizard and the First Encounter Rules do not state I have to keep you alive if the station is in jeopardy so you'll understand that I really do want to kill you, however you'll probably like to know that you have been given one last chance by your family's matriarch.”

Kauto's ears perked up at this as he'd been evicted from home by his mother, the matriarch of his family, for bad behaviour before he'd even reached adult-hood and with that time coming in the next few years he wanted to head home and see his family again.

The commander continued “They're not letting you go back but they did bargain for you to be released from custody at a price. One of the union's top enforcers will escort you to your ship and then watch you for some time until you are deemed to have stopped being a threat to this station.”

With a strong sigh Kauto looked down at the desk while his free hand played with the tip of his thick tail, going home was a dream at this point and even if his family had problems with him it was lonely by himself and the weird humans were just disturbing sometimes, with all their rules and odd habits.

The commander tapped the table to grab Kauto's attention, speaking in a harsher tone than beofre “You are dismissed lizard, the enforcer will meet you at your ship. Do anything funny and I will shoot you myself” he finsihed with by slamming his fist onto the table before disabling the handcuffs and leaving the alien to himself. It took a few minutes for Kauto to get up and leave the room for a deserted hallway outside.

Rage filled Kauto's heart and made it impossible to resist the imminent temptation of grabbing a poorly placed mop, they were supposed to be as strong as steel to cut down on future expenses and barring his teeth Kauto decided he'd put that to the test as he picked it up and started to swing it at a computer panel. Sparks flew and a short emergency beep started to run and repeat as it alerted technicians of system damage, Kauto gave the annoying alarm a battering as well before tossing the bent mop handle aside.

It only took a few minutes for Kauto to exhaust himself and leave the scene for the maze of metal hallways for the hanger, he was still angry that he couldn't go home and being around humans was starting to drive him mad. By the time he was walking over walkways in the hanger someone had taken notice of the freak vandalism and an alert was on all of the station's news tickers asking for anyone with information to come forward, giving the alien a smirk on his face.

Kauto owned and lived on a 'bullet' ship, it was small, slim and had a rather dangerous method of taking off which meant the original production run had been short and most people traded them in at the first possible opportunity. Kauto's was damaged and not air worthy any more but it had been cheap which was good since a room to live in on the station was expensive for anyone not a part of the crew which he wasn't.

The hanger deck was always dark and seeing his ship's cockpit light on was startling to say the least, breaking into a mad sprint Kauto closed the all too large distance quicker than he should have, leaving him with a sensation of burning lungs however he couldn't care at the moment from fright of being robbed.

Jumping through the now unlocked airlock Kauto was ready to tear whichever stupid human inside apart with his bare hands however someone grabbed him from the side and the alien found himself thrown to the floor in one swift motion,leaving him winded and unable to get up as a human walked into view with a smirk plastered across her face.

“Well nice to meet you too, I'm Isabella, union enforcer on her last warning for excessive violence and the top guys said you were frisky but I expected a little more to be honest... Still, after running like that I'm not surprised in the slightest.” the woman said in a sure tone, brushing a short red bang of hair away from her eyes. “You're pale... Are you ill?”

Having had time enough to get to get some air in his lungs Kauto propped himself up and tried to look at the intruder despite his spinning head. The alien's skin was pale from lack of water exposure and seeing as his home planet was very wet it was a bit of a problem on the 'dry' station.

Isabella walked over to the door, looking at her white, slim face in the reflective glass before speaking again, “If you feel up to moving we're going to the canteen, it's 'round about dinner time anyway.” she noted, waiting for the alien to move.

Feeling less than hungry at the moment Kauto only got to his feet angrily, almost growling as he took a step forward, arm raising a fist as he yelled “I have a better idea, why don't you just fudge off!”.

There was silence for a moment and quicker than Kauto could hope to move the woman rushed him, grabbing his fisted hand and forcing him back into a wall painfully as her own bout of yelling begun, “You will never say that to me again Kauto of the tree clan. You will think of me as a temporary matriarch, do you understand?”

Stifling a growl Kauto knew he'd have to stow any pride he had as he nodded his head, he wasn't strong enough to beat Isabella and didn't have a choice. She let go of him gently and walked to the door, watching every move Kauto made. “We're going to eat out at the canteen, now get.” she said, pointing out the door.

Angry thoughts were flowing through Kauto's mind as he did as he was told, the alien vowing that even if he had to lose now he wasn't going to be pushed around by some human, even if it was a female. This was far from the end of things...


Last edited by MajorThomas on Sun Jan 01, 2012 5:11 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostSubject: Re: Kauto's story (By MajorThomas)   Sun Jan 01, 2012 4:37 pm

**First off, changed it slightly to exclude your last name - generally not a good idea to use your full name on the internet. If you absolutely must though, feel free to change it back.**

Over all, not a bad start. I would definitely be interested in reading more. There are small grammatical and punctuation issues that could probably be eliminated pretty easily. The characters seem interesting enough, even if the situation is not clearly defined in the section posted here.
I would suggest changing this sentence: "Well nice to meet you too, I'm Isabella, union enforcer on her last warning for excessive violence and the top guys said you were frisky but I expected a little more to be honest... " slightly. It's very expository, which is unnecessary. Simply stating her name and position would be enough for this part, and then you can expand later. A good way to do this would be to have another character (perhaps a superior of hers) remind her that she is on probation (or something like that) for her previous actions. Then you open yourself up to either have her explain the pas situation to Kauto or have a memory flashback. Either way, it would be a good opportunity to expand the character and explain her motives. Smile

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PostSubject: Re: Kauto's story (By MajorThomas)   Sun Jan 01, 2012 5:14 pm

Thanks for your thoughts. The overly long sentence was to try and get across the fact Isabella is very arrogant and thinks highly of herself, she was showing off in her own way. Also I feel I should keep my name in full for copyright reasons. Another also, if I don't leave a bunch of questions people don't think, if they think they want to keep reading. Or so my theory goes.
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PostSubject: Re: Kauto's story (By MajorThomas)   Sun Jan 01, 2012 5:19 pm

That's fine; they were just suggestions. I had no problem with everything not being explained - makes the reader want to continue reading, as you said, which is key. Wink

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