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 Brandy's poetry

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pjkio03
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PostSubject: Brandy's poetry   Sun Dec 27, 2009 12:33 pm

I love to write poetry... but I'm really sure how good I am at it. Please comment and let me know!



Acceptance
A feather fallen on the blood-stained grass
Black as the night without stars.
A small little plume
Insignificant in the darkness,
Lonely and cold,
Shivering in the light wind.
The blood it lies in is its own,
Come from its eternal bleeding,
And it's need for acceptance.
The water above it is its tears
Shimmering, reflecting the peering moon.

A feather fallen on the blood-stained grass
wet and worn and withered.
The moon looks down through the cloudy, starless sky
On its little friend, so alone.
The moon accepts its imperfection,
and breaks through the clouds to hug it.

Crying or Very sad
I dunno, I tried to go for a sweet ending, so please do tell me how it worked! Smile
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Savfantasy
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PostSubject: Re: Brandy's poetry   Sun Dec 27, 2009 12:41 pm

It's pretty good, baby girl. You should really let me read more of your things! I'm not sure if the 'sweet' ending is really the best. The whole thing seems kind of sad and dark, and the last line just doesn't seem to fit. To me, at least.

You also didn't seem to explain what the 'imperfection' is that the moon is accepting. Is it because the feather is small? Alone? You don't really need to change anything; I'm just curious. :3

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PostSubject: Re: Brandy's poetry   Sun Dec 27, 2009 1:26 pm

It's just imperfect. I suppose I could give it a personality, lessee...
It's imperfect because it is emo
no jk
but seriously
it's perfectly black, and in perfect condition. I know! It's imperfect because it's too perfect! Others shunned its wonder, jealous and unable to behold a possibly perfect specimen, therefore they ranked it low and dubbed it completely worthless, so it lies alone. Maybe I am the feather????? I dunno. It was an on the spot thing... so I just went with it. I like feathers.
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PostSubject: Re: Brandy's poetry   Sun Dec 27, 2009 1:33 pm

lol. It's a neat piece though, sweetie.

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PostSubject: Re: Brandy's poetry   Sun Jan 03, 2010 2:12 pm

Thank you! This one I originally posted in my journal, but I would like to have it critiqued.

I am elated,
I feel I could fly,
But these annoying people,
Are tugging on my thigh.
They're weighing me down,
I cannot soar,
But I will escape,
My triumph I shall roar.

And when I am flying,
Freely through the sky,
I'll look down on them all,
And wonder why
Why would anyone
Hold me down,
When the world is so wonderful?
In its glory I shall drown.
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PostSubject: Re: Brandy's poetry   Wed Jan 06, 2010 3:31 pm

I think I commented on this in your journal, but now th at I read it a second time, I have one thing to say about the poem besides praise.

The ending is good, but I had expected you to look down at those people and write about them, not the world. You don't have to change it but i had gotten that impression so it was a little odd for me to realize that you had switched the the scenary. I could be wrong but that is my opinion.

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PostSubject: Re: Brandy's poetry   Sat Jan 09, 2010 12:46 pm

Hmm... I didn't really want to bring the people up so much in the poem. It was more that feeling of "I'm finally free" or something.
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PostSubject: Re: Brandy's poetry   Thu Oct 13, 2011 4:00 pm

So poetry and I are back on speaking terms XD
I think I may have gotten better; I would love some feedback.


Birds of a Feather
--------------------------
You and I are birds of a feather
Two peas in a pod are we
Through high tides and strong weather
By my side is where you'll be

And even though I have other friends
You're kept as best company
Because when my whole world ends
You'll be there, comforting me

And when we've grown old and brittle
Feeble, decrepit, and worn
Our time left on this earth will be little
But our friendship will still be sworn

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Last edited by pjkio03 on Sun Aug 20, 2017 7:41 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostSubject: Re: Brandy's poetry   Thu Oct 13, 2011 6:11 pm

I love it, Baby Girl! The only thing I have critique wise is that I'm not sure 'fickle' is the word you want in the last stanza. Smile

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PostSubject: Re: Brandy's poetry   Thu Oct 13, 2011 8:03 pm

I see where you're coming from there, but I used it to represent that a lot of things will be changing then, frequently.
Our loyalties, affections, and interests will be changed.
I couldn't really come up with a better word for what I was trying to represent, though. I'm sure there is one.
I can change it if it doesn't serve its purpose.

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PostSubject: Re: Brandy's poetry   Thu Oct 13, 2011 8:11 pm

I can see what you were going for. Usually when people hear fickle though, they think of inconsistencies in relationships first, which might take away from the theme of the poem. It's probably fine, I'm just giving my opinion. :3

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PostSubject: Re: Brandy's poetry   Fri Oct 14, 2011 7:40 pm

Okay, well I'll consider changing it Razz

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PostSubject: Re: Brandy's poetry   Wed Aug 01, 2012 5:59 pm

I'll need help with this one. There are two versions of it; one where the second stanza is written by me, the other where the second stanza is written by my sister. I need to know which one everybody likes better.
The poem is called Awaken the Night.

Here's one:

A gentle growl errupts in the night
Suddenly, there's a flash of light
The sky is dark, the moon's not lit
Each raindrop, echoing, hits

The sky is crying as it sings a melody
It's a lovely sound, yet so meloncholy
Purrs and roars explode from the clouds
Each one is unique and deafeningly loud

It's beautiful, and a bit alarming
And at the same time just a little calming
No target escapes the rain's true aim
Drenching the world is the storm's game

And drench the world it does
Never a more perfect storm there was
Beautiful
Powerful
It livens the sleeping night


The other:

A gentle growl errupts in the night
Suddenly, there's a flash of light
The sky is dark, the moon's not lit
Each raindrop, echoing, hits

The sky is crying
the moon above leers
through the steady downpour
of the sky's falling tears
Purrs and roars explode through the clouds
each one is unique and deafeningly loud

It's beautiful, and a bit alarming
And at the same time just a little calming
No target escapes the rain's true aim
Drenching the world is the storm's game

And drench the world it does
Never a more perfect storm there was
Beautiful
Powerful
It livens the sleeping night

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PostSubject: Re: Brandy's poetry   Wed Aug 01, 2012 9:38 pm

beautiful poem, although i must say the rhyme of the second version stands out to me much more than the first.

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PostSubject: On The Spot Poetry   Wed Mar 12, 2014 1:02 pm

I've decided to try to just let a poem flow out and see where it takes me. Here it goes!

Good things happen to bad people
Because bad people lead bad lives
Lives were happiness is a game of poker
Or maybe taking happiness from another
Good things happen to bad people
Because bad people need good things to get by

Bad things happen to good people
Because good people lead bad lives
And good people learn good lessons
From every pain and strife
Bad things happen to good people
Because good people need bad things

Maybe every type of people
Is living a bad life now
But I believe in people
To make it through somehow

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PostSubject: Re: Brandy's poetry   Thu Mar 13, 2014 10:28 am

I'm the type of person with a hundred regrets
Despite the best intentions
I know that you will never forget
And I have no peace to give 

I can say I'm sorry a thousand times
But a thousand more won't make it right
Did I ever really apologize?
I know I never shone the light
On how ashamed I was

I never banked on you falling so deep
Ever deeper into despair
I know I told you otherwise
But the truth is I really do care

And you gave me the key to your heart
So what gave me the right
To rip it out
Take a bite
And try to give it back?

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PostSubject: Re: Brandy's poetry   Thu Mar 13, 2014 5:41 pm

We used to be so close
Best friends, you and I
We were all each other had
Because we lost her together

And not long after she died
You tried to forget her
You removed all of her things
From your grieving line of sight

But there was one thing
That you could not remove
One thing that you had to wait
To get out of your way

You wanted to start a new life
To forget the old
Forget the pain
So you threw it all away

But there was one thing
That you could not stuff in a trash can
One thing that you had to wait
To get out of your way

Well, I'm leaving soon
Give me a few months
And then you can finally forget
Your old life, and our friendship

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PostSubject: Re: Brandy's poetry   Fri Mar 14, 2014 9:02 am

I'm losing touch with the past
And I'm unsure if that's good or bad
I'm finally forgetting some horrors
But I'm losing my memories of her

What was it her voice sounded like?
How did her eyes wrinkle when she smiled?
Two years is an awful long time 
To go without a mother

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PostSubject: Re: Brandy's poetry   Thu May 08, 2014 7:48 am

So my poems have been pretty serious lately, and something cute and simple sounded fun. I only bothered with rhyming on some parts, and I laughed in the face of structure. I just wanted to write something fun that I didn't have to take so seriously.

The Cap'n's Wife

I'm the captain of a ship
Living a lonely life at sea
But when asked whether I have a wife
I answer yes, but she
Is better than any ordinary wife
As faithful as the sea

She follows me every day
Slinking behind me
Nipping at my heels

On the deck of my ship, she follows me
As I bark orders at my crew
And silently she stands by me

She's always been there
A comfort
Following in my footsteps

At night I know not where she goes
Whether she stays by my side
Perhaps she leads a secret life
While I'm dreaming of my own

Perhaps she steals away
And spends the night with the dolphins
Perhaps they dance and play
Until they say good morning to the moon

But I know this cannot be
She's faithful as the steady sea
The only wife I've ever known
My shadow and me

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PostSubject: Re: Brandy's poetry   Wed May 14, 2014 7:36 am

As She Passed
I was sipping my coffee as she passed
Her hair frizzed up from the rain
Her face was frantic
Her voice was cracked
She was searching for something in vain

The wind started howling as she passed
Pushing her frail figure that way
Her umbrella upturned
And then, wayward bound
She watched as it flew away

I just had to wonder as she passed
Just what kind of person she was
What she would do
Were she in my shoes
Or what I would do in hers

It struck me like lightning as she passed
The thing she searched for held meaning
Because when her umbrella
Abandoned her there
She took a deep breath and searched on

I watched from my shelter as she passed
And realized what I failed to see
She bent over
To pick it up
A pretty gold engagement ring

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PostSubject: Re: Brandy's poetry   Sun Aug 20, 2017 5:45 pm

The Composer

Music flowed from your heart into your fingertips
Your story unfolded as the piano sang
I felt your phantom hands running up and down my spine
As your composition pierced my heart

I have never felt so close
To somebody that I do not know

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