The Song of War

I've invaded the Short Stories forum too! As this is my first real short story, I'd like a lot of critique. Be as blunt as you'd like. Please and thanks!

Prologue: A Mad Ruling

His name was Ankt. He was the one true being, the God that ruled over all. The monotheistic people loved him from the start, when he created them by crafting them out of nothingness and snapping life into them like a charm. The world was melded with his hands, and as he was everything, he had to bring evil into the world at some point- the will of his creations must be tested, as well as balanced.

It started small. At first, it was a small theft, maybe a hard lie. It grew slowly, surely, until the people had to unite and fight the growing amount of the dishonest and the kleptomaniacs. Slowly, society formed- knights, guards, patrols came into existence. Swords, shields, and armor were invented. Bows and arrows followed. Metallic soldiers and robots, known as automatons were created. Magic was discovered. Slowly, Ankt's creations became accustomed to conflict. Ankt did not foresee, however, the slow return of peace. Madness and corruption worked it's way into the governments, and the entire world broke off into nations. Society became disjoined and disorganized. Wars broke out. Ankt was horrified at what he had created. At it's prime, the people he crafted with his own divine fingers were peaceful, serene, and quiet. Now it was battle-torn, dark, and barely kept in order.

Ankt, in his desperation, created a massive monster- blowing as much of the woes of humanity into it as he could, but left with much to spare. The monster took on a grotesque form, and descended from the heavens to ravage the land. This move was to unite the people- and once they were, they would surely be able to push the being back. However, humanity remained disjointed- suspicious, and began to turn on their one thing they always believed in, Ankt himself. Slowly, Ankt felt the blame of this monster pressed on him, and people started to lose faith in him. Ankt slowly became mad. As his godly body began to dissipate, Ankt bound himself to the monster he created, in an effort to live on. For the first time, Ankt did his first sin. Corrupted, he wanted revenge on his creations- for turning against him when it was he who brought them to the world. He took on a more mortal form, and turned the monster into his puppet. Slowly, he began to spread deceit and villainy into the world.

The world was now godless. Crops slowly began to wither and patches of land desertified. Disastrous weather appeared, and obscure trails and paths began to disappear off the once united land. However, humanity was not without it's virtues. Despite everything, the remained strong, trying to fight this being controlled by Ankt. They gave it a name, to identify the flying monstrosity: Shir. Though the people continued to quarrel as separate countries, they had a tentative unity to fight off this monster and bring peace to the land.

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This may just be my opinion, so take it openly or just as a small suggestion: you said this was a short story. It doesn't feel like one. It is more like an introduction to something else. The way you ended could have been your ending for the story, but it makes someone say, 'Oh. That was it? Where's the rest of it?' I am not saying it wasn't good. The idea itself was interesting but you need to bring it out more. It felt a little like a summary. Was there a moral you were trying to portray? If there was, I could see it but it isn't completely stated.

Also you had a few grammar and spelling mishaps in there.

Quote:
Ankt, in his desperation, created a massive monster- maybe not a hyphen. blowing as much of the woes of humanity into it as he could, but I think yet would be a better word left with much to spare. The monster took on a grotesque form,no comma and descended from the heavens to ravage the land. This move was to unite the people- Again no hyphenand once they were, they would surely be able to push the being back. However, humanity remained disjointed- Stop using hyphens!suspicious, and began to turn on their the, not theirone thing they always believed in, use ; insteadAnkt himself. Slowly, Ankt felt the blame of this monster pressed on him, and people started to lose faith in him. Ankt slowly became Slowly turned, not became mad. As his godly you use that word too much. Astral, mystic, heavenly, use a different word body began to dissipate, Ankt bound himself to the monster he created, no commain an effort to live on. For the first time, Ankt did his made his first sin, not did hisfirst sin. Corrupted, he wanted revenge on his creations- for turning against him when it was he who brought them to the worldIt's okay, but maybe 'gave them life' no hyphen. He took on a more mortal form, and turned the monster into his puppet. Slowly, he began to spread deceit and villainy into the world. 'turned into a more mortal form' doesn't sound as good as it should. Maybe Earthy, just plain mortal, human

My edits on this paragraph will be red.

This is just an edit of a paragraph. Those are my opinions and you aren't forced to change it, but it is a small suggestion. I advise you to go back and edit it and maybe flesh out the idea more. A short story doesn't have to be only a page long.

Frozen Memory wrote:

This may just be my opinion, so take it openly or just as a small suggestion: you said this was a short story. It doesn't feel like one. It is more like an introduction to something else. The way you ended could have been your ending for the story, but it makes someone say, 'Oh. That was it? Where's the rest of it?' I am not saying it wasn't good. The idea itself was interesting but you need to bring it out more. It felt a little like a summary. Was there a moral you were trying to portray? If there was, I could see it but it isn't completely stated.

This must have been my fault, but at the top I wrote "Prologue" to indicate that there was much more to come. I forgot to make it bold, so you probably missed it. I appreciate your corrections very much, I really need to brush up on grammar and refine my word play some more. As for your opinion in vocabulary, yes. I've been trying to diversify my words, but sometimes I learn a few words and immediately drop it unless I devote about 50% of my brain to it.

I also have some sort of love for hyphens- correcting that too soon.

Things to do- Grammar, Vocabulary.

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Glad I could help a little. As for the prologue, I did see that, didn't register XDD. That was my fault. Short stories category so I jumped at the conclusion XP. I need work on grammar and vocabulary myself. I don't catch it in my writing, but I do on others! ^^

I decided NOT to edit my previous posts to correct my work, because I feel if I looked back on this I can see what improvements I made throughout the course of this story and feel good about myself.

Okay, I'm just lazy, but that's one part of the equation.

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Chapter 1- Circles

"Mr. Braddock. Your argument, please?"

"Certainly, I would like to tell my worthy opponent here that I disagree with his proposition for boosting funds to the militia, as I am certain that it will be misused. For example.."

Everyday. It's broad casted all over the city, and praised by media stars and new casters. The politics were going nowhere, even the most rural hick knew that. Nothing was being done about the monstrosity barely kept at bay by the city's powerful guardians. All they did was filibuster until some breakthrough was declined and wanted to keep living in the comforts of their own abodes.

It was no use, the Ankt-foresaken bastards. There was no way the military was going to mobilize within the next generation to start combating Shir. I don't blame them either. The last war that resulted in Shir left a parting gift. Intense fear. Any mention of fighting sent people scurrying. An entire year was focused on hardening up new recruits because of that fear. It revolves around the people, more than vice, almost like a vice itself.

My room itself was considered a vice by my late mother. Oh, how the seasonal sicknesses surprise us so. I try to keep it tidy for her sake, but sometimes, it's too hard. I was a soldier for the same government that now wastes away in their offices contending to their lusts and whims while the public outside the city walls suffer under the wrath of Shir. I was given a honorable discharge for being too opinionated. You can guess what happened. I pick up money from doing some jobs, I get by. I get by, but I don't get by content with that thing rampaging around out there.

I want to grab my blade, walk past the walls, and fight the thing face-to-face. I know it won't happen. The thing obliterates things, even close up. I can't even hope to compare to the flying monstrosity.

I can't stand this city anymore. Watching this stationg, listening to the same watery promises of change. My blade lay right there. I had the training to survive. I was fit enough. I didn't ignore my body once I was discharged. I made up my mind.

It still has me wanting more XD. You had a few tense errors and I think you forgot a letter somewhere. It was good overall. Just make sure you go back over and make sure you are using the same tense and stay consistent. I mess that up a couple of times myself. I did like it though. ^^

Frozen- you are now my evaluator. Thanks for the praise and the critique!

To all readers: This is the part where it might get a little confusing for you guys. I'd like to let you guys figure it out from here on, but if you are confused, look at the title of the chapter.

Chapter 2- A Change of Perspective

I want you to close your eyes. Relax. I want you to imagine the soft sprinkle of snow, coming down from the angry grey clouds as they expend their energy over the cold ground. Imagine the ground layered in a white blanket. A blanket so thick it ends at your knees. A untouched landscape, as barren as it is beautiful.

You are looking straight into my heart, Lucia. What is left of it, I guess. I sit here, in the middle of a lively town square thinking of you. You don't know how considerate I am about you, so you go off and die. That hurts, Lucia. It really does. You and me, we were supposed to live together in peace, away from the politics and Shir. In our own world.

I have nothing to lose, I am an empty husk. A husk with a name, Allen.

The bench became awfully cold. I must be awaiting winter with too much of a zeal. I huddle closer, knowing that you weren't next to me to warm me up with painful clarity. I was a fool for letting you go alone.

I realized I've been coming to sit here every day. Why? You told me to wait. Like a mother to a frightened child.

I feel wretched, so I stand up.

The overwhelming fumes of the bakery enveloped me, touching me with the scents of cinnamon, yeast, and fresh cookies. Surprisingly, it was near empty. I walk up to the baker, touching the bell next to me. He turned. "What can I do for you?" He asked, leaning on the counter. "A-a loaf of bread." I said. Funny. I almost said two loaves.

The baker did not move. "Something wrong, boy?" He asked. "N-no." I reply. "Boy, you are as pale as a sheet, you have shadows thicker than my thumb under your eyes, and you look like you haven't eaten for days. There's nobody here, don't be shy." I shuffled around, unsure how to get past this man. Nothing would cure this ache I feel, but I guess there's no harm in telling. After all, you aren't around to protest about it. "I lost a dear friend recently." I said bluntly.

"I'm sorry." The baker said, his eyes somber. "I lost my daughter last year due to the seasonal sicknesses that sweeps in every year." I looked up slightly. I'd like to say it wasn't the same, but it was. "How... How did you cope?" I asked tentatively. "Time." He said gruffly, "And a open mind." He whipped the wrapped loaf of bread out and shoved it into my arms. I bowed, in thanks, dropped a few coins, more than needed, and left.

He was no counselor, but I felt a little better. I should have asked his name.

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Yay! I am helping you lol. Well, as usual, I am going to edit your short piece. Below will be your writing. My edits will be in () I am too lazy to change the color and I can't use red. I can't read it thanks to the background right now.

Chapter 2- A Change of Perspective

I want you to close your eyes. Relax. I want you to imagine the soft sprinkle of snow, (no comma) coming down from the angry grey clouds as they expend their energy over the cold ground. Imagine the ground layered in a white blanket.(no period here. use a semicolon I think) A blanket so thick it ends at your knees. A untouched landscape, (A dash maybe?) as barren as it is beautiful.

You are looking straight into my heart, Lucia. What is left of it, I guess. I sit here, in the middle of a lively town square thinking of you. You don't know how considerate I am about you, so you go off and die. That hurts, Lucia. It really does. You and me, we were supposed to live together in peace, away from the politics and Shir. In our own world.

I have nothing to lose, I am an empty husk. A husk with a name, Allen.

The bench became awfully cold. I must be awaiting winter with too much of a zeal. I huddle closer, knowing that you weren't next to me to warm me up with painful clarity. I was a fool for letting you go alone.

I realized I've been coming to sit here every day. Why? You told me to wait. Like a mother to a frightened child.

I feel wretched, so I stand up.

The overwhelming fumes of the bakery enveloped me, touching me with the scents of cinnamon, yeast, and fresh cookies. Surprisingly, it was near empty. I walk up to the baker, touching the bell next to me. He turned. "What can I do for you?" He asked, leaning on the counter. "A-a loaf of bread." I said. Funny. I almost said two loaves.

The baker did not move. "Something wrong, boy?" He asked. "N-no." I reply. "Boy, you are as pale as a sheet, you have shadows thicker than my thumb under your eyes, and you look like you haven't eaten for days. There's nobody here, don't be shy." I shuffled around, unsure how to get past this man. Nothing would cure this ache I feel, but I guess there's no harm in telling. After all, you aren't around to protest about it. "I lost a dear friend recently." I said bluntly.

"I'm sorry." The baker said, his eyes somber. "I lost my daughter last year due to the seasonal sicknesses that sweeps in every year." I looked up slightly. I'd like to say it wasn't the same, but it was. "How... How did you cope?" I asked tentatively. "Time." He said gruffly, "And a open mind." He whipped the wrapped loaf of bread out and shoved it into my arms. I bowed, in thanks, dropped a few coins, more than needed, and left. (Whoa, waaaaayyy too many commas there.)

He was no counselor, but I felt a little better. I should have asked his name.


(Again, I liked it lol. I feel the desperation of the character. However, you used a little too many commas to my liking. I understand that the way it is structured, commas and more periods are necessary but you went comma happy lol. Also, when writing dialogue, you can't put two people talking in the same paragraph.

Ex:

Your writing: "I'm sorry." The baker said, his eyes somber. "I lost my daughter last year due to the seasonal sicknesses that sweeps in every year." I looked up slightly. I'd like to say it wasn't the same, but it was. "How... How did you cope?" I asked tentatively. "Time." He said gruffly, "And a open mind."

Edit:
"I'm sorry," the baker said. His eyes were somber with shared pain (just something I thought would make it sound better). "I lost my daughter last year due to the seasonal sicknesses that sweeps in every year." I looked up slightly. I'd like to say it wasn't the same, but it was.

"How... How did you cope?" I asked tentatively.

"Time," he said gruffly, "and patience."

When you make quotes, you forget to put commas but put periods. You switch them around lol. I hope I am making sense. I corrected some of it in my example. Maybe you could use that as a model?)

With those lessons tucked under my arm, I begin the next chapter. I'm trying to make it up to my very angry main characters at this point. You'd get mad to, if somebody neglected you for what felt like half a year (but was actually a few months).

Whoever is reading, I'd like a heads up?

Chapter 3- Collisions

Before I exited the gates of the city, I would need supplies beforehand. Exiting the city gates was a fairly arduous process, having fears of Shir and the monsters that roam the land infecting even the gatekeepers. I hope to be out of this clogged city before the days end. The booth had no line, as expected. Many wanted to get into the protected city, few wanted to leave. As expected, the bored gatekeeper was sleeping, a small novel flopped open in his slack hands. I slammed my hand on the glass that separated us, and he jerked away. His face had whitened a few shades, which was amusing, no doubt. However, I had business to take care of. The gatekeeper sheepishly sat up straight.

"What is your business here?" He asked, looking me up and down as though he had been wide awake and eager to work the entire time.

"Business. I want to leave the city." I replied stonily. I took out a passport and slid it under the slit in the glass. The gatekeeper picked it up cautiously, and read it.

"Solias Vasili?" The gatekeeper asked, examining the passport with a surprised zeal. It was not surprising, very few people wanted to leave the city willingly or unwillingly. So few, that if more than one wanted to leave when the gates opened, they were free to trot out without examination. Laziness and fear at it's highest point. I was disgusted.

"Yes, that is my name." I replied. The infamous Solias Vasili. The soldier that could not shut up.

"I see. Well, I have to check the Bluscreen for your safe passage." He said, smiling slightly. The Bluscreen is what it sounds like. A screen that displayed what it was filming, recording, or playing in a slight shade of blue. At the gates, the Bluescreen was developed to check the surrounding area for Shir. If Shir was within one hundred miles, the gate will stay shut no matter what. Yes, the Bluscreen was very powerful.

"Of course, I would not want to compromise the city's safety by trying to leave if Shir is around." I said bluntly. The gatekeeper stiffened, but otherwise continued to type into the pad under the screen.

"You are all clear, sir. The gates will open in three hours, please take the time to prepare and return before the alloted time is up." The gatekeeper was formal, colder now. The embarrassment had worn off, and he was obviously very experienced. I nodded, turning to leave. As I left, I could almost feel the piercing stare resting on the Kusarigama at my side.

The town square was bustling with people as usual, making it difficult to navigate around the moving obstacles to my destination. The Bakery would provide me with the bread necessary to make traveling much easier. I was only a few steps to the door when it swung inward, and a man much younger than myself walked out and bumped into me. I stepped back, while the boy fell backward, turning his head to glare at me. I stared as coldly as I could back, but I could see a sense of sadness radiating from the boy. Behind his poorly kept facade, he was suffering. I dropped the gaze, and reached out. "I am terribly sorry." I said, trying not to look at his eyes. The youth ignored my hand.

"You made me drop my bread, sir." He said rather dismissively, pointing to the wayward loaf of bread. I nodded, walking over and picking it up. When I turned around he had already gotten up. He took the bread back, and nodded, turning and disappearing into the crowds once more.

I watched him until he had disappeared, wondering what was bothering him so much, then reached down for my money pouch. Bread may come in great amounts in the city, but not at a cheap price. Strange. I thought I had placed my bag of money....

"Damn it!!"

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Before I exited the gates of the city, I would need supplies beforehand[Before I exited the gates of the city, I needed to get supplies]. Exiting the city gates was a fairly arduous process, having fears of Shir and the monsters that roam the land infecting even the gatekeepers. I hope to be out of this clogged city before the day[']s end. The booth had no line, as expected. Many wanted to get into the protected city, few wanted to leave. As expected, the bored gatekeeper was sleeping, a small novel flopped open in his slack hands. I slammed my hand on the glass that separated us, and he jerked away. His face had whitened a few shades, which was amusing, no doubt[no doubt? was it amusing to him?]. However, I had business to take care of. The gatekeeper sheepishly sat up straight.

"What is your business here?" He asked, looking me up and down as though he had been wide awake and eager to work the entire time.

"Business. I want to leave the city." I replied stonily. I took out a passport and slid it under the slit in the glass. The gatekeeper picked it up cautiously, and read it.

"Solias Vasili?" The gatekeeper asked, examining the passport with a surprised zeal. It was not surprising, [.]very few people wanted to leave the city willingly or unwillingly. So few, that if more than one wanted to leave when the gates opened, they were free to trot out without examination. Laziness and fear at it's highest point. I was disgusted.

"Yes, that is my name." I replied. The infamous Solias Vasili. [;]The soldier that could not shut up.

"I see. Well, I have to check the Bluscreen for your safe passage.[comma]'" [lower case] He said, smiling slightly. The Bluscreen is what it sounds like. A screen that displayed what it was filming, recording, or playing in a slight shade of blue. At the gates, the Bluescreen was developed to check the surrounding area for Shir. If Shir was within one hundred miles, the gate will stay shut no matter what. Yes, the Bluscreen was very powerful.

"Of course, I would not want to compromise the city's safety by trying to leave if Shir is around." I said bluntly. The gatekeeper stiffened, but otherwise continued to type into the pad under the screen.

"You are all clear, sir. The gates will open in three hours, please take the time to prepare and return before the alloted time is up." The gatekeeper was formal, colder now. The embarrassment had worn off, and he was obviously very experienced. I nodded, turning to leave. As I left, I could almost feel the piercing stare resting on the Kusarigama at my side.

The town square was bustling with people as usual, making it difficult to navigate around the moving obstacles to my destination. The Bakery would provide me with the bread necessary to make traveling much easier. I was only a few steps to the door when it swung inward, [no comma needed] and a man much younger than myself walked out and bumped into me. I stepped back, while the boy fell backward, turning his head to glare at me.[I stepped back and the boy fell backwards. He turned his head to glare at me.] I stared as coldly as I could back, but I could see a sense of sadness radiating from the boy. Behind his poorly kept facade, he was suffering. I dropped the gaze, and reached out. "I am terribly sorry." I said, trying not to look at his eyes. The youth ignored my hand.

"You made me drop my bread, sir.[comma]" [lowercase] He said rather dismissively, pointing to the wayward loaf of bread. I nodded, walking over and picking it up. When I turned around he had already gotten up. He took the bread back, and nodded, turning and disappearing into the crowds once more.

I watched him until he had disappeared, wondering what was bothering him so much, then reached down for my money pouch. Bread may come in great amounts in the city, but not at a cheap price. Strange. I thought I had placed my bag of money....

"Damn it!!"

[lol. Nice ending XD. yay, you listened to my instructions about the dialogue! lol. You have a few errors around them still but you're getting better! ^^]

Finally got around to it! Vacation is here, so Frozen will now have his work cut out for him.

Chapter 4- Uneasy Unity

It was fairly easy tricking the man, and snatching his wallet when he wasn't looking. A bump, a touch up on the shoulder, and a light hand snatching the purse. At the expense of my afternoon lunch, however. The crowd was my friend here.

"You! Halt! Thief!" The man behind me shouted, his voice booming across the square. I ducked my head, breaking into a sprint. He was right after me, the physically fit bastard. I saw a stack of crates settled against a building to my left. There wasn't any time to waste.

I kept running straight, cursing the man for his persistence. I then suddenly broke to the left, vaulting myself up the crates and onto the building. The window ledges provided great handholds, and the decorative lights provided many hand holds. I hauled myself up onto the roof, narrowly dodging a well-aimed rock that slammed near my right wrist.

I somersaulted forward, out of sight, leaping down onto a slightly smaller adjacent building. I rolled to absorb the impact, and ducked behind one of the many ducts that let out exhaust. I pulled the purse from my shirt, and examined the contents. There was quite a few gold coins. The man was obviously out to travel, because here one would be using Credits, the city currency.

I felt a sharp poke in my head, and as I turned, I saw the man crouched on the duct, leering at me. "Thought you got away, boy?" He asked, saluting in greeting.

"Shit!" I tried to jump up, but the man now used both arms and enveloped them around my head, lifting me off my feet.

"Your overconfidence got to you, cocky rogue." he commented, highly amused.

"Ack! Fine, you win! Take your stupid money back! I can't... ugh... use it in this town anyways!" I choked furiously, slamming my heels into the metal grate of the duct. The man had tremendous strength. With one hand, he held me in place and used the other to snatch his purse back. He dropped me to the ground, where I couldn't get breath in fast enough. He jumped down in front of me, turning and crouching to look me in the eyes. This guy was unfathomable.

"Look buddy, if I turn you into the cops, you're going to be working your ass off for the best years of your life." He said threateningly.

"Then don't. You've already choked me half to death."

"I'm a soldier. Well, former soldier. I can't let things like these pass."

"Well, how do you suppose I make this up, asshole?"

"Language, boy. Else you find yourself in a more permanent head lock." He replied, gesturing to the courts. Death by hanging was still legal.

".... Fine. How can I repay you for sparing me the court processes?" I asked sulkily.

"You join me on a little excursion across the continent." He replied.

Fear crashed into me like a wave. "What?! N-no way am I going to do such a thing! Shir is out there, an-" The man grabbed my cuff and heaved me up against the grate. The hot air made me uncomfortable.

"And what?" He asked simply. I decided to shut up. This was a sticky situation, and with this guy's skill, there wasn't a thing I could do to change his punishment.

"...Alright! Alright, I'll do it." I snarled in reply, and the man let go. I fell back on my ass, looking up at this man.

"Solias, Solias Vasili." He said, holding out his hand. I looked at him balefully, and took it with hesitation.

"Allen Brage."

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(( In case you wanted to know, Allen's last name is pronounced Brah-gay. ))

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